


the wordplay that changes as easy as the flipping of a palm

by cypher (1719)



Series: strange [2]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: I wrote this to distract myself from election anxiety, M/M, Welcome to Night Value au, again they're all just trying to survive night vale, he's an angel, jungkook just wants his college credit, namjoon is confused but he has the right attitude, no beta we die like men, seokjin may or may not be a god, soobin cameo, taehyung is in love with jimin what's new, this is all just light hearted dark humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27396310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1719/pseuds/cypher
Summary: “Listeners! Here in the studio we have the owner of Jin’s Eatery and staple of our lovely town, Kim Seokjin! It is currently unclear why Kim Seokjin is in my studio, but I trust that the gods will reveal it to us soon. Now, where was I?”“You were talking about Jimin the Scientist.” Seokjin helpfully reminded him, and Taehyung grinned widely at him in thanks for his help. Seokjin smiled back. It was distractingly handsome, and Taehyung forgot what he was supposed to be doing as he stared into the deep brown eyes of most likely the most symmetrical face on the planet.Seokjin cleared his throat and gestured to the microphone with the hand holding the snakes and Taehyung snapped out of it, hastily looking away and clearing his throat.-Taehyung delivers his nightly radio show. Jimin does Science. Jungkook tries to get Mayor Kim to notice his muscles. Mayor Kim does in fact notice Jungkook's muscles but he's more concerned about Jungkook catching a cold. Seokjin issues mysterious quests and may or may not be an immortal deity. Yoongi and Hoseok just want to live in peace.
Relationships: Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin
Series: strange [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807495
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	the wordplay that changes as easy as the flipping of a palm

“Today’s air quality is mauve and speckled. Welcome to Night Vale.”

Taehyung smiled serenely as he spoke into the microphone, headphones firmly on to drown out the tortured shrieks of management from down the hall and ready to begin his nightly radio show. To his left Jungkook was crouching on top of the filing cabinet trying to scrub the mysterious purple ooze off the ceiling that had appeared without warning a few minutes ago, which was rather rude if you asked Taehyung. 

Everyone knows that ooze was perfectly acceptable as long as it gave you a 48 hour heads up in the form of a nightmare featuring a single strawberry dancing through the moonlight.

“Hello everybody, welcome back to Tete FM. As always, I am your host, Kim Taehyung. In health news, The Night Vale Council for Commerce reminds you to regularly consume wheat and wheat by-products. By doing so, you are directly supporting the local Night Vale farmer, as well as the local Night Vale commodities conglomerates. Looking for a snack? Try wheat, or a wheat by-product. Dinner? Wheat and/or its by-product. Trying to patch a leaky roof? We have just the thing for you, and we also have its by-products. Wheat and wheat by-products. By Americans, for Americans, in Americans, _watching_ Americans.”

Taehyung sighed nostalgically, remembering his simpler childhood in the farmlands of Korea before moving with his parents to Night Vale in- in what year? What year was it now? How old was he? He had to be at least twenty three-

“AHA!” Jungkook crowed victoriously, shaking Taehyung out of his thoughts as he jumped off the filing cabinet and wrestled the purple ooze into a cat carrier. As far as oozes went this one seemed only mildly sentient, so it didn’t put up too much of a fight.

Taehyung gave him a quick thumbs up before turning back to his microphone. “Listeners, our brave intern Jeon Jungkook has just forcibly removed a very rude purple ooze from our studio ceiling. I must say, his muscles look very defined today, what did you have for breakfast Jungkookie? I do have to insist though that you adhere to the dress code and roll your sleeves down, your muscles may be seen as intimidating by some and we pride ourselves on a positive work environment here at the community radio station.”

As if to emphasize his point management let out another bone-chilling screech, and Taehyung nodded solemnly in agreement. 

“Hyung I’m gonna take this to the lot by the mayor’s office, I think that’s the safest place to dispose of it.” Jungkook said instead of addressing his dress code violation, and Taehyung would absolutely have believed him if it weren’t for his ears turning red as one of the lights above the Arby’s.

Jungkook dashed out of the room before Taehyung could tease him, so Taehyung just chuckled to himself and turned back to the microphone.

“Mayor Kim, if you happen to see my unpaid intern goggling at you from the abandoned lot beneath your office window, please do not rip him limb from limb as ancient law commands. He’s the best intern this station has ever had, and it would be such a pain to replace him. Please and thank you.

“The City Council today issued a strong warning against the manufacture and sale of discount Bloodstones. They say that these Bloodstones of inferior design and construction have the potential to cause major accidents in even common, day-to-day chanting rituals. These accidents have included, in just the past few months, locust swarms, pus tornados, and the creation and subsequent obliteration of a mirror version of Night Vale, forcing all of us to watch our identical counterparts perish and thus confront the inevitability of our own futures. Anyone caught selling these Bloodstones will be put into the Dark Box, pending erasure from recorded history. The lesser charge of buying or possessing them, will be met with mere summary execution. Critics charge that the City Council is lying about all of this, due to the fact that the council owns the only certified Bloodstone factory in town, but the Council has vehemently denied this charge, by gibbering, howling, and knocking over microphones.”

It was a pretty solid denial if you asked Taehyung, but alas it was his job to be an impartial distributor of information.

The phone line lit up red and Taehyung grinned, always ecstatic to hear from his loyal radio listeners. He leaned over and flipped the switch, transferring the call to his headphones.

“Listeners! We have a mystery caller on the line! Mystery caller please introduce yourself and declare your intentions before the people of Night Vale.”

“Taehyung I called your personal cell, why am I being broadcasted on the show?” Min Yoongi groaned, and Taehyung bounced in his chair with delight.

“Listeners! On the line we have Min Yoongi, owner of Owl Records and even more importantly, my hyung.” He announced into the microphone, then directed his next statement at Yoongi. “Hyung, you know while I’m on the air my cell phone is automatically synced to the radio show, as is my entire being, body, mind, and soul.”

“No, I did not know that Taehyung-ah, I’m just gonna call you back later, alright? Why- why can’t I hang up? Taehyung? Why can’t I hang up? What are you doing?”

Taehyung sighed, a little annoyed with his hyung’s limited understanding of modern technology. “Hyung, owning a record shop does not give you the right to just ignore all modern inventions since. Everyone knows once you call into a radio station you cannot disconnect until you complete your mission given to you by the ancient beings that whisper into your ear as you sleep.”

“Ancient-” Yoongi broke into a vicious round of cursing, and Taehyung sighed again, pressing a button that would play the sound of twenty pairs of denim jeans being ripped in half to drown out Yoongi’s voice. 

“Hyung, this is a family friendly show, I’m going to have to ask you to watch your language.” Taehyung said mildly when Yoongi tired himself out. “But please, do continue.”

“I was just calling,” Yoongi said through gritted teeth, “to invite you to dinner with Hoseok-ah and I tomorrow night. We’ve been dating for seven months now and I think it’s time for you to acknowledge their existence.” 

Immediately Taehyung hit the end call button, glancing over his shoulder to make sure the Sheriff’s Secret Police hadn’t materialized in his studio at the mention of acknowledging the existence of angels. 

“Listeners, I am so sorry about that piece of anti-government propaganda. As always, I remind you that this is a community sponsored radio show that abides by the law of the city council, which means that we do not acknowledge the existence of beings some might call angels. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Taehyung blew out a sigh, closing all his eyes and taking a moment to reorient himself so he could be the best Voice of Night Vale he could possibly be. 

He was pulled from his brief meditation when a small fissure in space time opened up in front of him and a small sticky note fluttered down, landing dead center on the desk in front of Taehyung. The fissure then closed, leaving behind only the faintest smell of raspberries. 

“It looks like I have just received a message from the City Council.” Taehyung said into the mic, unfolding the sticky note until it was the size of about seventeen sticky notes glued together. “It is an update on our previous message about wheat and wheat by-products. You should not eat wheat or wheat by-products, say several frantic scientists waving clipboards in our studio. As it turns out, all wheat and wheat by-products, for unknown reasons, have turned into venomous snakes, which are crawling all over our small city, causing even more chaos than is normal. These snakes have been described as terrifying, loathsome, and probably from the bowels of hell itself. Also, green and three feet long. If you have any wheat or wheat by-products in your home, you are almost certainly already dead. Sorry about that.”

Taehyung glanced behind him to check and made sure there were no snakes slithering into the studio behind him before continuing on with his broadcast.

“Speaking of scientists. I know you have all been very eager for updates on my courtship with the most handsome, beautiful, ethereal, stunning, charming, gorgeous, talented, sweet, smart, kind, cute-”

“Taehyung-ssi you really should get on with the rest of your sentence.” Taehyung heard a voice come from his left, and he jumped and spun on his chair to find Kim Seokjin leaning against his desk, looking unworldly handsome and casually holding two snakes in his left fist.

“Listeners! Here in the studio we have the owner of Jin’s Eatery and staple of our lovely town, Kim Seokjin! It is currently unclear why Kim Seokjin is in my studio, but I trust that the gods will reveal it to us soon. Now, where was I?”

“You were talking about Jimin the Scientist.” Seokjin helpfully reminded him, and Taehyung grinned widely at him in thanks for his help. Seokjin smiled back. It was distractingly handsome, and Taehyung forgot what he was supposed to be doing as he stared into the deep brown eyes of most likely the most symmetrical face on the planet. 

Seokjin cleared his throat and gestured to the microphone with the hand holding the snakes and Taehyung snapped out of it, hastily looking away and clearing his throat.

“That is correct! Listeners, last night after my show, I went down to visit the official laboratory of Jimin the Scientist. While I didn’t understand most of what was going on, I did manage to gain a deeper understanding of how in love I am with Jimin the Scientist’s slightly crooked front tooth. It is one of the most adorable and endearing things I have ever come across in my stint on this plane of existence, and I would like nothing more than to spend the rest of my days staring at that slightly crooked front tooth.

“Once it had become late and the lights above the Arby’s had risen to their zenith Jimin the Scientist and I took a short walk around the neighborhood and talked about our childhoods. It was very nice. Jimin the Scientist told me about how he had wanted to be a dancer when he was young but then learned the mysterious ways of science and decided to devote his life to that art. I, in turn, described how when I was young the prophecies revealed that I was to become the next Voice of Night Vale, a job which I have taken very seriously ever since.”

There was a polite cough to his left, and Taehyung looked over to see Seokjin had somehow procured four more snakes while Taehyung had been speaking and now held six snakes in his left fist, all writhing and hissing and attempting to bite anything within reach. Despite all this Seokjin looked remarkably unaffected, his hair still perfectly coiffed and a pleasant smile fixed on his face.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt Taehyung-ssi, but if you don’t mind I’d like to make an announcement to the town.” He said, and Taehyung nodded eagerly.

“Hello Night Vale, this is Kim Seokjin.” Seokjin pulled the microphone over to himself, his voice calming in the same way that a long drive through the desert dunes at three forty seven in the morning was calming. “I would like to inform the town that if they are able to capture any snakes that were formerly wheat or its by-products, please bring them to Jin’s eatery. I have Plans for them. If you bring the snakes to me I will reward you beyond your wildest dreams. And I will know if you capture a snake and keep it for yourself. I require all the snakes. You _will_ bring them to me. 

Y̵̡̢̬͈̥̙͕͚̖̹͓̻̹̑̆̇̅̆͐͑̆͛͐̉̆̕ọ̴̹̟͖̠͈͍̘̱̄̐̓͝u̸͓͈̖͓̎̽̈́̇ _̷̢̲̻̪̻͎͆͜w̸̢̰̩͕̾͊ị̸͇̣̥̞̺̗̲̞͙͇̣̉̿͗̊̅͋̓̂̽̕̕ͅl̴̘̼̲͕͕̹̘̜̭̪̓̔̂͌͑̀̅͌̕͠͠͝͝l̸͍͈̮̘͖̜͇̯̭̫̦͖͐_

__

The studio temperature abruptly dropped, and Taehyung jumped, yanking his arms away from the metal filing cabinet they had been leaning against before his skin froze to the cold metal surface. Seokjin was radiating an extremely threatening and powerful aura, at least a cerulean blue on the aura scale, but Taehyung didn’t feel afraid. He did, however, feel an overwhelming urge to bring all the snakes he came across to Jin’s Eatery.

__

“Thank you for your cooperation. I will give you back to Kim Taehyung now, Night Vale. Just remember to heed my words.” Seokjin said into the mic, smiling pleasantly. Everything he did was pleasant. Taehyung aspired to one day be as pleasant a being as Kim Seokjin. 

__

“Thank you Seokjin-ssi for your informational message to the town.” Taehyung wheeled himself back to his place in front of the microphone. “Listeners, you heard him. Bring all snakes that used to be wheat or its by products to Jin’s Eatery.” It then occurred to Taehyung that Seokjin had never mentioned what he planned on using the snakes for, which would be relevant information his viewers would want to know, so he turned to ask Seokjin but the being was no longer standing in his studio. 

__

It was like he had never been there in the first place.

__

“Listeners, I do not know why Kim Seokjin wants these snakes that used to be wheat and its byproducts or what he plans to do with them, but if I were you I’d bring all the snakes to him immediately.” Taehyung said gravely, and then the purple life vest on the studio wall started vibrating off it’s hook, signaling an incoming call from the mayor of Night Vale.

__

Taehyung grabbed the life vest and slipped it on, buckling the straps in the front. “Listeners, we have an incoming call from the mayor, my this is turning out to be an eventful night. Mayor Kim! Welcome to my humble show! How can we serve you this fine evening?”

__

“Hi Taehyung. I’m calling because your intern is in the deserted lot below my office window doing push ups. It’s not that it’s bothering me, I believe the citizens of this town should feel safe practicing their physical fitness anywhere they’d like, but I’m concerned that he’ll get cold as the sun goes down. The purple ooze he released must have dissolved his shirt, and from the looks of it he- ahem- has no body fat to keep him warm and I am concerned for him as a mayor would be concerned for any citizen of the town he governs.” Mayor Kim said all of this in a single breath, and Taehyung smiled slowly, easily seeing through Mayor Kim’s mayorly concern. 

__

“Of course Mayor Kim, I’ll send one of our less durable interns we keep in storage to collect him right away. While I have you on the line, would you mind answering a few questions about yourself? The residents of Night Vale are eager to know all about their mysterious mayor, you certainly kept a very low profile before ascending to power.” Taehyung leaned forward and rested his chin on his palm. “I think they would also like to know your workout routine. It’s rumored that your arms are as thick as a man’s thighs.”

__

Mayor Kim sighed. It was a very mayorly sigh, full of weariness and burden and fear of the unknown. “Taehyung, I’ve told you multiple times that I have no idea how I got here, I went to sleep one day in Seoul and woke up in the middle of a ceremony in which I was being sworn in as Mayor of Night Vale.”

__

Taehyung giggled. It was so refreshing having a mayor with a sense of humor. Their last mayor only communicated through hand gestures and bird calls, so it was nice to have a mayor who really spoke the language of the people.

__

“Amusing as always Mayor Kim.”

__

“That wasn’t a joke.”

__

“Ah, I can appreciate commitment to a bit. Now, to ask some more light hearted questions, who would you say your closest and most powerful political allies in this town are, how many bloodstones do they possess, and how soon do they plan to throw a coup?” Taehyung read from his list of get to know you questions he had cut out of his monthly J-14 magazine. 

__

“I- what?” Mayor Kim seemed baffled, but before Taehyung could clarify he began speaking again. “I mean I’m friends with Jin-hyung and everyone seems to be terrified of him. I can’t imagine why though, he makes dumb puns and has this laugh that sounds like a windshield wiper. Besides him I’m friends with Yoongi-hyung and Hoseok-ah-”

__

“You are not referring to the being called Hoseok who claims to be an angel, right Mayor Kim? Because you know that’s highly illegal.” Taehyung interrupted the mayor, which normally also would be highly illegal but two illegal acts cancelled each other out. It was basic mathematics.

__

“I’m actually working on legislation to change that. Hoseokie is honestly the sweetest being, they want to open a dance studio but can’t because this entire town insists that angels don’t exist, which is pretty discriminatory if you ask me. I talked to another angel, I think his name was Soobin, and he said he doesn’t mind hanging out with Old Woman Josie but he would like to register for some courses at the Night Vale Community College.”

__

Mayor Kim spoke as if he was unaware that every word was treason of the highest order. Taehyung was both afraid and aroused. 

__

“Well, this has been highly informative but I think I must cut our interview short.” Taehyung said after a brief pause. J-14 had no advice as to what to say if the interviewee openly admitted to wanting to commit crimes against the community. He’d have to write a letter and complain. 

__

“Alright then. Thanks for accepting my call Taehyung-ssi. Tell your intern he’s more than welcome to continue practicing physical fitness beneath my window.” Mayor Kim erupted into a coughing fit and Taehyung took the initiative and ended the call by unbuckling the life vest, shaking off the glitter that had accumulated throughout the duration of the call and hanging it back up on the wall. 

__

“I can’t believe you sent _Martin_ to come collect me.” Jungkook slouched back into the studio, shirt still auspiciously missing and tattoos on full display. “He got eaten by a snake halfway home.”

__

Taehyung sighed, dispirited by the string of bad news he had received in the last thirty seconds. First Mayor Kim committing treason against the town, now another intern dead?

__

The stars must have fallen out of alignment. 

__

“Listeners, Jungkook has just returned to the studio bearing some sad news. To the family and friends of Intern Martin, we regret to inform you that he has in fact been eaten by a snake. He will not be receiving college credit as he did not complete the mandatory tasks required to receive the credit, one of which was staying alive. Our deepest condolences.”

__

Jungkook rolled his eyes as he pulled out a chair and sat down besides Taehyung. “When are you gonna give me my credits, hyung? I’ve outlasted thirteen different interns, I deserve some sort of medal at least.”

__

“Jungkookie I am fairly certain you are immortal and therefore do not qualify for college credit from a community radio internship. I’m not certain though, you can check with Station Management.”

__

Jungkook grumbled to himself and he took out his phone and began playing some sort of game, voice recordings of souls trapped in the plane between heaven and purgatory playing from his phone speakers.

__

It was a nice backdrop to end his show with. Taehyung moved his mic closer to Jungkook’s phone so the screams could be heard more clearly.

__

“And with that Night Vale, we have reached the end of our show. Remember to bring any snakes you find to Jin’s Eatery, and it is illegal to acknowledge the existence of angels. I hope you all stay safe in this little desert town in our corner of the world, and I hope that somewhere, somehow, you will find the inner peace that was stolen from you a few days ago by the Sheriff’s Secret Police when you were asleep.

__

“And, as always, since always, and for always: Good night, Night Vale. Good night.”

__

**Author's Note:**

> I have no explanation for this. Stream Dynamite. 
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/myhopebox) // [cc](https://t.co/jciZ9TVHOv?amp=1)


End file.
